I believe in God. I am a born-again believer, life-long member of the church I grew up in & truly believe that H held the same, if slightly gray-ish area convictions (two different religious practices, same God & teachings).
A few months ago, I was walking along our riverfront, as H & I had done way back before we were Us. Thinking about how much I missed him, and how Life has changed so much, but not really. And a thought hit me. We (those left behind) tell ourselves and each other that our loved one is in a better place, they are looking down on us, they want us to move on/be happy/not cry for them. What if none of it is true? Why would anyone leave this space for heaven (sake of argument) and waste one second concerning themselves with what they left behind?
My co-worker asked me the other day if I had seen a counselor/therapist. This was solely out of kindness, not serious concern or unsolicited suggestion. I have not sought any professional help to this point. I have received a few books from friends and family about how to deal with grief, some journals geared toward provoking thoughts down a specific path to work through things not-so-all at once. I mentioned before, how there are numerous notebooks and papers surrounding me, waiting for the moment (s) when I'm ready to get out of my own head.
My daily schedule for the past seven months hasnt been so different than before these past seven months. I am not happy with this arrangement. Wake up with the kids, bum around until work, come home, bum around the house until dinner, settle in front of the TV until I cant keep my eyes open. Every. Day. Some days I'm lucky enough to take a field trip to meet a friend. Grocery shopping used to be a two+ times a week task, now... I might go once every 2 weeks. The kids have settled into this change without too much fuss. Footnote: the "kids" are fur-kids. Some details are still being finalized, as far as settling the estate, so any kind of complete closure cant really happen until that's done either. All the grief gurus say the same things: this is normal. all the feelings are exactly what you should be feeling. the stages are real and happening, even if its subconsciously.
He had a birthday 5 days before The Night. His only grandson just had his first Christmas. He was in the middle of a construction project in our home. This was going to be our 25th year together. He was the heart of his family. We lost so much... and it began with a shooting star.
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